Life has been tricky lately as I've been wrestling with the idea of what things should look like versus the actual situation.. I've been scrabbling to make any kind of coherent plan, desperate to find some order in my increasingly fragmented life.
My friend Emma Burns posts a lot on her reflexology page about taking time for self-care and I always find it a useful reminder. I had a few hours free this morning which only happens to me every six weeks so I took myself for breakfast.
I was filled with an immense sense of gratitude and realised that actually, I was doing okay. It's human nature to be always wanting, but so far I've been given the things I so fervently asked for. It just took some time.
I still remember the days...
I longed for a baby.
I wanted to be surrounded by children to love.
Finances spiralling desperately out of control, dependent on somebody else, I prayed for it to stop, for some control.
Driving home with Judah and dreading opening the door, praying there was some way I never had to go back.
Telling the universe if it gave me a tangible reason, one I could justify to myself, I would leave my ex.
Fighting for autonomy, I prayed to be my own boss, not having to answer to anybody.
I promised myself I would become a babywearing consultant and doula.
Sitting having tea with my auntie and describing what I wanted, somebody a bit wild, unusual, who would love me unreservedly and connect with me on the deepest level imaginable.
All these things are prayers I made within the last five years that were answered.
Although I don't strictly believe in cosmic ordering (although I do tell Dom I cosmically ordered him...) I do believe in visualisation and picturing what you would like your future to be. In this way we influence our subconscious mind which can affect decision making, meaning you'll make choices that bring you further to your goals.
Things are by no means perfect but I was comforted by how far I have come and how much I longed for the very things I have now. I will remind myself to be grateful for the things I have been given and what is just around the corner. I have every reason to be happy. I will be grateful for this day.