autumn (goodbye to who you were)

Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for

I've had a long September of rest, frustration, contemplation and unending planning. Finishing teaching Daisy under somebody else sooner than anticipated, putting plans in motion to take the business forward alone from October...

As the mornings are getting darker and now we've approached the Autumn Equinox, all these emotions and experiences I've been carrying around are being changed, transmogrified. I could feel the darkness building, it was almost tangible.

I had a session with Emma Burns the reflexologist and it was so helpful to go over everything with an impartial ear and it certainly triggered the ruminations that I've been having in the weeks since.

I've been exploring different sides of myself and really examining my beliefs and questioning the openness of my mind. Seeing how deep I can delve into myself.

Things have been brewing...

I had an altercation yesterday with somebody who has done me very wrong this year. They started trying to intimidate me the way they always used to and I snapped. I felt a hot anger that I have only felt once before in my life and I unleashed it. It felt like venom and surprised me at the intensity that came from somewhere dark within. It stunned them to silence.

I felt out of kilter and wild-eyed yesterday. The month was ending and I was spiralling into that otherworldly place women go to at this time. I felt like a caged animal so I got in the car and found myself sat on a big rock by the ocean, hugging myself, my body opening and watching the waves beating upon the shore, getting ever closer, consuming the beach. It was dark and I knew if I stayed there I would soon be consumed too and it scared and thrilled me.

I have a gentle nature and in my life I prioritise peace and harmony above all things. I have sometimes done this at the expense of my needs and well-being. For me yesterday it was helpful to feel that dark, primitive rage and realise how far I have come from the subdued person who would accept ill-treatment. Ignoring the balance of our natures is detrimental. Behind every gentle mother is a fierce warrior, once cannot exist without the other. 

This year has demanded so much of me, resilience, sacrifice. The self I look at in the mirror has had everything I thought I knew destroyed and taken from me.

On the other hand, a gift. I've been put in the fire and been forged anew.

So I say goodbye to the woman who was me as this season draws to a close, it feels right, it is right. There is a new chapter beginning from the darkness. I am filled with hope and wonderment that I am here, all the unexpected blessings that have since fallen into my lap like ripe apples. I have found trust in the process and that it is all for a purpose. I was not ready before.