I've seen so many things online about how much women treasure their first pregnancy - make memory albums, take photos, record every single little milestone. The joke goes that the more pregnancies the have the less you, and others, care about the pregnancy journey.
My experience has been the complete opposite. For Judah, I have probably less than ten photos of me pregnant with him. I had more, but they were taken on my wedding day (and therefore I haven't kept them). I definitely think I took my first pregnancy for granted and I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I wasn't a birth worker then. I do remember not wanting a fuss or to draw attention to myself, possibly because I was conscious of how young I looked.
When my marriage ended I had to face the hard reality that more children would be out of the question for me, perhaps for years. I had wanted another since Judah's first birthday. As my life was falling apart around me, as I was losing my home and my security, those I had been pregnant with the first time around were announcing their second pregnancies. I work with mothers and babies which was emotionally tough as I tried to make my peace with this. I donated all of Judah's clothes and baby equipment to charity and resigned myself to being a mother of one.
Then, this baby. I did not expect them to announce their arrival in my life just as my divorce was being finalised. This year has been one of the hardest years of my life but this baby has been a strong, shining focus point to make me keep going. I have made a conscious effort to celebrate every week, to do the things I never even thought to do the first time, being conscious now when I wasn't before that this could be the last time I get to do this. Having lost everything before, I take nothing for granted now. I have cherished this pregnancy. I am so so grateful to be able to have another child.