I went to Porthkerry beach today. I have felt its pull for a while now, a longing to be close to the rocky shoreline and the vast, wild ocean. I wanted to find some peace.
It also happens to be the place a made a huge mistake two years ago… a day where my intuition spoke to me and told me to walk away from something that was wrong for me, something that would irrevocably damage me and take my innocence. I noticed the friction between my child and somebody I had invited into our lives. I noticed how I was deliberately hurt and expected to compromise on my values and what I knew I deserved.
I had no idea what was coming.
One of the hardest things as a parent is when you make the wrong choice. When you see the havoc and hurt that choice wreaks on your child’s life. The problem with choice is we can never know what the right one was until it’s too late.
I don’t know who we would have been if I’d chosen differently.
We sat on the rocks at Porthkerry, Autumn-Violet a reassuring warm dumpling in my lap, Judah hurling rocks and shouting to the wind. I have to admit that I can't still wish things had been different, because they have shown me who I am.
Would I have gained the strength I needed for my role any other way? The fire that’s ignited in me has been revelationary.
Would I have tumbled from bad situation to bad situation? There’s nothing like meeting true darkness to strip away all your preconceptions and illusions.
Would I have always longed for another child? Her birth taught me the ultimate lesson in faith in women.
Would I have valued the humdrum day to day motherhood experience? Possibly not, just being safe and together jumped to the list of my top priorities when I never knew it was one before. It is enough, it is more than enough.
Forgive yourself for all that you didn't know before, and find beauty in the pain.
Beauty is in the sparkle in my daughter’s eyes and her earthy giggle. I feel beautiful when she is nursing and she winds her fingers in my hair.
Beauty is my son's crackling energy and his untamed soul.
I was beautiful when my belly was painted with henna when she was growing in me. I find beauty in the wild coast of Wales, my home, the rugged rocks and the beating sea which is never still.
Beauty is the true friendships I have with other women, the collective power rising. Beauty is in the letting go of what is no longer serving me and moving forward in strength.