Being a truly single parent has it's pros and cons, one pro being you get to make all the decisions, one con being you are responsible for every single decision you make. Therefore all the blame or praise lands directly on you.
One thing I noticed I did recently at an appointment for the baby, is I said "*we* decided xyz..."
It's a slip of the tongue that I've caught myself doing before, the way I spoke about my pregnancy and birth choices just continued past birth, and it probably comes from this anxiety about being judged as a single mother for possibly making the wrong choices.
Like there is some mysterious man at home in charge validating my decisions, making them legitimate. The seal of approval from a higher authority.
Instead of just me.
It's tough because there is nobody to bounce ideas off, to make mistakes together, to present a united front, to work as a team. I know relationships don't work like that all the time and there can be power struggles, disagreements. If I'm honest the thought of somebody, anybody, telling me what to do with my children makes my spine stiffen, hackles rise.
Why even now do I still do it?
I spoke to some of my single mum friends and they said "oh god I do that too".
It's clearly a conditioned behaviour I need to unlearn.
So if I said "we" I meant "me".
I make my decisions from what I know in my heart to be right. I spend all day every day with my children, I grew them in my body, I birthed them and fed them and sang to them, massaged and rocked and changed them on my own. There is nobody who knows what is best for them more than me.
I am their mother, and this is what I have decided.